…means being listening and trusting?

Understanding what it takes to be a woman is not by any means complete without understanding what it means to be a man in the same cultural context. Therefore, a number of posts here would be devoted to Indian masculinity with this article pioneering the topic.

Some months back I wrote a rather hilarious post about Indian males as friends in my personal blog . This time I want to share some general (personal, yet put in more generalized format) observations on a few peculiarities of the Indian males’ communication style. The latter is very interesting to elaborate on as, undoubtedly, how a person expresses him(her)self tells us something about the way the person is. In particular, I would discuss three, very common, phrases one can often hear from an Indian man and I would try to analyze what they actually mean and imply in the context of relationships with a woman.

“Acha, listen!” And then he says what he wants her to do or what he has decided for them both. A good way to start a conversation or quickly cut an emerging debate.

He needs to dominate as he has been socialized (trained and expected by the society) to be master of his live and that of his family. Therefore, he takes a lead in deciding, planning and engaging in the activities. Essentially, he has always got a ready-made decision at hand: he is expected to know everything, so he does. Importantly enough, he does not give her information about the options possible. Instead, he comes up with the decision to go for. Information is power, as we used to say in Russia, meaning exactly that: once you can access information you are completely apt to decision making. Yet, this power he does not want to share. So, he would take an effort in collecting information about the alternatives, he would analyze it and come up with a decision for them both. In this opinion, this approach might be a way to show his care for her. But what if she does not need that much of care? What if she’s got her own agenda? What if?.... Acha, woman, listen!

“Trust me!” is in fact a definite number one if not a number zero as a reference point. At times it seems to me that Indian men get born with this phrase on the lips or at least it becomes the first one they learn – so natural and essential it is for them. This phrase does a lot of work for an Indian man. With it he can reverse her surprise to the story he tells, her annoyance with a not-very-smart decision he took, her curiosity regarding the rationale behind the plan he made, her resistance to any action he wants to incline her to.

Essentially, he does not like to be questioned. This feature stems from the notion of dominance discussed above. And it seams that those at power are particularly concerned with preserving it. This makes them particular suspicious to the attempts to seize or limit their dominance. Once power is realized as active decision making (remember, he’s got THE decision for her) the least he wants is his initiative to be scrutinized or questioned. Especially by a woman. Then bringing the notion of trust he somewhat appeals to an important social norm - woman is to trust man - which she intends to violate by asking. Do not you even try! Trust me.

“I am with A and B at Х” while in reality he is with N and M at Y. I personally witnessed some of my friends doing it – whether talking on phone to parents, wives, girlfriends, friends etc – when there was no single obvious reason to lie. The least of my intentions is to accuse Indian men of being big time liars – that would be a way too superficial and irresponsible statement to make. Why do they do that, though?

It appears to me that Indian men are the ones with their own agendas. Very much freedom-lovers, carefully protecting their independence. They hate to comply and therefore, harshly resist when one tries to tame them down. And women do a lot! So, the response comes.

That is why when called and asked where he is and what he is doing he might get challenged by the very intention of the one who calls. She wants to keep track of me. She wants to control me. She interferes in my personal life. Does she think I can wisely decide how to spend my own time? The notion of “information is power” is again applicable here. In this case, knowledge about what he does with his time is a sort of power over him. If she knows what he is doing, she knows and understands more of him, which puts her into a position to influence and manipulate him. So, why to empower her with this sort of knowledge? This would destroy or at least threaten the notion of living free as a bird not accountable to anyone as he wants to perceive himself.

Moreover, she might feel she cannot really influence his decisions, so at least she tries to relief herself by speaking up their apprehensions. Therefore, all these “get back early”, “drive carefully”, “do not go out with that bastard”, “do not dissipate all the money on boozing” come. He might see her wails as a form of emotional pressure (well, it is one, in a way). Thus, he would try to avoid the latter by making up stories more comfortable for women to take: she does not worry and she does not trouble him with her concerns. So, dear I am with good guys at a good place, do not you worry - what’s what he tries to say when he is actually lying about the people and the place he is with and at now.


Yet, Indian men, while the ones with their agendas, ready-made decisions at hand and requesting for unlimited trust, are far from irresponsible authoritative stonehearted monsters. They are not, in fact. They also show great examples of care and sacrifice for the sake of family. Well, the notion of men being responsible for providing and protecting is rather universal in its nature and would be present any cultural contexts with varying manifestations. Yet, Indian society seems to be one where this notion is brought to such an extreme that men in fact would overdo it. The super-high societal expectations of providing and protecting somewhat predetermine situations where men from protectors turn into violators of women’s freedom in day-to-day decision-making.